Hurt
by Ardaigh
Summary: He had been born into this empire. She had been welcomed into it. It was as much a part of her now as she was of it. An empire of dirt and grit. But it was hers.
1. Chapter 1

As the morning sun lifted the shadows out from underneath the concrete fortress of Teller-Morrow garage, the life that Matilda Delaney had been raised to accept as her own could almost pass for peaceful. A lone figure nestled atop the roof, a book perched precariously on her knees, Matilda was embracing the quiet solitude that had seemed to escape her life since the age of six, when her junkie mother, Beatrice, had died and she had been escorted into the arms of SAMCRO, arms she was beginning to wonder if she would ever want to let go of.

Matilda had been raised on fairytales. Her mother had been a real-life princess in her eyes; her uncle had shown her the photo evidence to support her waning memories of the red-headed vision in cotton dresses, cigarette smoke veiling the vibrancy of emerald eyes. Where Beatrice had lived a fireball existence, a vivid beauty with equally destructive tendencies, Matilda was dissimilar. Aside from her obvious physical resemblance, Uncle Otto had sworn she had grown into her mother's twin, Matilda had suspicions of other likenesses to her mother and at times felt all too well the simmering volcano that threatened to burst from beneath her skin but as always, kept her control tightly reigned. She was good at hiding things, fooling them all. Except Gemma. She couldn't hide a whole lot of anything from that woman. She loved that woman. Loved her as her mother. But god it was as if she could sniff out your very being better than any hunting hound, one that wanted blood.

Matilda carefully pressed the book's pages together and lifted her head towards the sun, the long tendrils of her hair blending into the burnt oranges of the sky, a mane like her mother's that her earnt her the name of Red from Tig. Tiggy was her favourite, although she'd never let the cocky bastard know it. God knows how much pleasure he'd get out of that one. She wasn't one for violence but since the age of sixteen he had developed a tendency to appreciate her ass in cut-offs and her right hook, which was surprisingly substantial, had to come into contact with his smug face. She laughed thinking about it, he'd probably love that too. Aside from that, she had a close bond with Chibs, a fellow storyteller; the Scot beguiled her with tales of red headed warriors, not stories for children as Chibs liked to put his own spin on things, but stories nonetheless. In a way Matilda was a warrior, she loved so deeply and fiercely that it scared her, the power within her heart. The club was all she had. After her mother's death, Otto and his wife Luann had taken in his little sister's baby. She missed Otto and his fierce sense of loyalty after he had gone to jail; she supposed she had that in common with him too. She had been taken in by Otto and Luann and loved them dearly although her upbringing was more of a collective club effort. She was adored by the club and fiercely protected by all. Growing up she had been raised up above the clubs shoulders, kept safely out of harm's way but her perception was always keen, even as a little girl. She had seen and heard more than any of them had every realised and although she never knew the true darkness of the club that she knew today, she had never been far from the shadows.

Matilda had grown up as exhausts had been repaired and bikes had been ridden off into the distance on faraway voyages she had known as 'runs'. She had grown up with barely made friends dragged away by guarded parents, eventually turning into no company inside the school walls apart from her trusty books. She had always been studious, thrown herself into it, which hadn't gone unnoticed by Gemma who had invited nine year old Matilda into her office to do her math homework after she had watched her constant interruptions from Tig, whom she sat next to cross legged, passing him tools as her worked. These afternoons with Gemma formed the basis of what would become their solid and unbreakable relationship as it was today. While Aunt Luann was always all too eager to provide boy advice to the teen Matilda whose growing beauty seemed to attract too much attention for her own good, according to Clay, Gemma was the one who really took on the mother role, guiding Matilda into role of a young woman who had to hold her own in order to make it amongst the Sons of Anarchy. Although Gemma had groomed her with the aim of producing a mini-me in mind, Matilda possessed a far less demanding presence than the Matriarch. Where Gemma was the hurricane, albeit the hurricane than still managed to hold the club's foundations together, Matilda was more like a soft Southern Californian breeze, a breath of fresh air to invigorate the congested haze of the club. She provided a kind of solace and despite her nineteen years, possessed thoughtful wisdom that many of the sons hadn't seen since the likes of John Teller himself.

She remembered in her senior year, in English Lit they had been reading Shakespeare, Hamlet, and she had drawn up similarities between the heavy presence of the ghost of King Hamlet and the looming influence of the late John Teller that had never really seemed to leave the club. Her heart had hurt for the crazed Prince Hamlet and she had sworn that she would do whatever it took to protect Jax from that insanity. Matilda had idolised Jax and Opie growing up and as she aged, her maturity levels fast catching up to and quickly over taking their own, the three had formed a close friendship. She was their confidante. Jax especially had tried to protect her from the gritty details but when it came to those two, she had seen it all, she knew them inside out. She remembered the brief period in junior high when she had developed a crush on eighteen year old Jax after he had allowed her to ride on the back of his bike. She had sworn he was a real life prince charming as he wrapped the too big helmet atop her red curls and looked at her with his blue eyes so bright she had to blink, concern in his voice as he urged her to "Hold on tight, Tilly". She had of course clung to dear life but was soon tipping her head back with glee, the barren landscape rushing past in a whir of colour that matched her colourful life. She chuckled to herself thinking back to those memories. Jax the giant, she had thought of him.

She still thought of him that way, only now he was a little more real to her. She had watched him fall in love with Tara as Opie had with Donna. Athough, as Opie and Donna had married fresh out of high school, Tara, who had always been friendly to the young Matilda, had split from Charming as soon as the chance arose, opening wider the hole in Jax that Matilda knew had been gaping since the death of his father. After that she had witnessed the extent of his self-destruction and his corresponding rise in the ranks of the club to VP. Only recently, over coffee at the Winston household with their godchild Kenny playing at their ankles, she had seen a sort of happiness or maybe relief in the lines of his face as he had told her about Wendy. She had liked Wendy, despite having little in common with her, and was sad to find out about her relationship with Crank, reminiscent of her own mother, especially when she had found out about her pregnancy with Jax's child. She had helped Gemma assist Wendy during that time. But yesterday, finding Wendy limp on the kitchen floor stained both with blood and ice-cream, Matilda's heart had sunk low into her chest, only intensified when she had witnessed Jax's reaction. They were waiting on news now. That's why she had come up onto the roof, for some peace from it all. Abel. She knew Jax had named him Abel. Son. He had been born into this empire. She had been welcomed into it. It was as much apart of her now as she was of it. An empire of dirt and grit. But it was hers.


	2. Chapter 2

The sun filtered down through the high window in Gemma's office, suspending particles of dust temporarily in the air before Matilda's eyes.

She pushed back the sleeves of her peasant blouse and began to sort through the books for the day before, a reverie of numbers she was immersed in before Gemma called her back to the present, "Sweetheart, find out from the boys how many refills they need".

Matilda uncrossed her booted feet and opened the door to the office, her nostrils instantly entrenched by familiar wafts of leather and motor oil and her ears bombarded by deafeningly old-school rock and raucous laughter.

"What can I do for you my lassie?" questioned Chibs as she approached the garage.

Tig slid out from underneath a car nearby in almost comic timing "I'll tell you what you can do for me", Matilda rolled her eyes "As curious as I am, save me the enlightenment Tiggy, I'm here for refills and refills only".

Tig's sorry attempt at a puppy dog pout was interrupted by Gemma striding out of the office, keys in hand "St. Thomas. Now."

* * *

Matilda had always hated St. Thomas. The lights were too blinding, the walls too sterile. She preferred the earth below her feet, not polished linoleum.

She stood beside Gemma who was currently berating the receptionist "Somebody better tell me what's happening to my Grandbaby or I swear to god..."

"Mom" Jax interrupted and Matilda couldn't help but be taken aback by the pain evident in his usually sure voice.

As he embraced Gemma, Jax's blue eyes met Matilda's green, nodding, she implemented the silent communication that the two had become masters at, a connection no one else could understand, wordlessly reassuring him, of what, she wasn't sure.

As Tara approached, Gemma took the lead "How is he?" her words almost hesitant, still plagued by the familiarity of a lost son.

"He's stable but he has a heart defect and a tear in his abdomen. The tear is most likely a result of the drugs but the heart defect..." "...the family flaw" Gemma interrupted.

Tara nodded "The tear on its own can be easily repaired but the two together..." Her eye's met Jax's as she spoke softly "There's a twenty pecent survival rate".

Matilda's breath ran cold, feeling the absence of warmth beside her as Jax stormed down the corridor, away from the possibility of the hole inside of himself gaping open more widely than ever. Clay and the others, who had been waiting a few metres back, rose to meet him as he passed through the folding doors.

Out of protective instinct, Matilda went to follow him, only to be stopped by Bobby who patted her shoulder comfortingly "He's only got vengeance on his mind right now darlin', we'll look after him".

Matilda could only watch their retreating figures, knowing that someone, most likely a verminous Crank dealer who had no qualms with supplying to pregnant women, would soon feel Jax's wrath. Matilda knew that wrath ran deep within the veins of the club. There was no escaping it.

* * *

Matilda butted her cigarette on the concrete steps on the hospital's fire escape stoop, leaving the blue skies for the ominous white wash of gloom.

She approached a group of doctors, singling out the one she needed to see, "Tara" the older woman spun to face her, beckoning her to follow to a more secluded spot.

"I know you said there's only a twenty percent chance but is there anything else that could be done" Matilda began, not quite knowing where she was going.

"I'm in charge of the case and I will do everything within my power to keep that baby alive" Tara assured her, feeling sorry for the girl stood in front of her, desperation filling her eyes. She couldn't be fooled though, as sweet as Matilda seemed, Tara suspected she had been corrupted somehow by the influences of Gemma.

Matilda nodded gratefully before beginning again "and Tara, Jax he...".

Tara interrupted her, this time less reassuringly "Look, I've already had Gemma cover that so you really don't need to."

Matilda instantly recognised her mindset, familiar with Gemma's wily and often threatening ways, "I'm not Gemma" she assured softly.

Tara's eyes fixed on hers, trying to scan for any hint of deception beneath the emerald but found none. "I'm sorry" she stated honestly.

Matilda continued "It's fine; I just wanted to make sure you know this. He still loves you. I don't think he's ever really stopped". She gave the doctor a small smile before walking away to find Gemma, sure in her heart that she would save Jax in whatever way she could.

"Wait!" a voice called out to her, Matilda stopped, allowing Tara to catch up to her. "Why didn't you go to college, leave Charming?" Tara questioned "I remember how smart you were and you're what nineteen? You could have gone to a good college last year, you're better than all of this" Tara voice possessed genuine concern but Matilda knew that she would never understand her answer, she never had.

"I didn't leave because I've buried my heart in Charming, Tara. I've created my family here and they need me, they need me just as much as I need them. I'm loved and god knows there isn't a love stronger than this. I'm here because, you've seen how much darkness there is, I'm here to guide them. I don't know how effective I am at it but what I do know is that I won't ever stop trying."

Tara had to give at least some credit to the girl before her, she had conviction if anything.

* * *

Matilda pulled the pick-up truck in front of the neat little row of stores that made up the Charming main street. She wanted to pick up a few things for Wendy, maybe some flowers and a few magazines; although she was well aware that Wendy's temperament would be aimed towards securing a fix that was certainly not celebrity gossip. It was a distraction at the very least.

She entered the main store, only to be bombarded by Ellie and Kenny Winston exclaiming "Aunt Tilly", an exasperated Donna hot on their heels, smiling at the sight of her friend. Matilda noted just how tired Donna looked. The two chatted as they picked up their groceries and headed over to the counter to pay, their conversation only interrupted by the cashier who timidly explained that Donna's card had been declined. Matilda knew Ope was having problems at home but didn't realise they were so strapped for cash. She felt almost guilty, weighed down by the wad of bills at the bottom of her purse, the product of things she knew but didn't like to imagine too vividly.

She quickly pulled the balance out, ignoring Donna's refusal, "It's as much yours as it is mine Donna" she explained of the money. In her opinion, Opie deserved a hell of a lot more compensation from the club for the time he served, especially with a young family in tow.

* * *

Matilda followed Donna in her car back to the Winston's, helping to unpack the groceries, laughing at the hovering Winston children who disappeared as soon as they were provided with cookies. Sitting across from Donna at the kitchen table as they cupped chipped coffee mugs, Matilda raised her eyebrows at Donna.

Donna laughed, although it didn't quite reach her eyes as it would have once had before Opie had done time, "Alright, Alright, I'll talk, you always did know when something was up".

"I have my moments" Matilda replied "Unburden your load and I'll see what I can do".

The two friends sat at the small table long after the coffee ran cold. Matilda's suspicions over Donna's fears were cemented. She couldn't lose Ope. Not again. She needed him around full time, not torn between them and the club. The kids needed the father they had missed during the time he had been gone. She needed him to make honest money but she was torn because honest money was not enough for them to survive on. Not anymore. She knew he yearned to return to club business but she didn't know if she could let him. But the bills were piling high.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do, Matilda". If she was honest, Matilda didn't exactly know either but in her mind she tried to weigh things up and the honest outcome was what she proposed to Donna.

"He loves you more than anything but he's going to become lost if he doesn't have the club; it's a part of who he is. You and the kids are a part of this family too and we look after our own. I know that Clay wants to put him back on jobs, small things, safe but they'll earn enough to get you back on track. That's all. I know you're scared Donna but he's not going anywhere. Jax won't let him go away again. No one will, they all respect him for that. He's just looking for your reassurance."

Matilda reached out to grasp Donna's hand. Donna hesitated before slowly nodding, "I'll talk to him".

* * *

Afterwards, Matilda headed back to St. Thomas, the events of the day taking their toll on her as she took a seat outside Abel's room, the darkness slowly rolling in.

After what could only be deemed an explosive run in with the Mayans in the name of evening out an already deadly score, Jax had gone straight to St. Thomas. Still covered in dried blood, he had approached his son's room, only to find a sleeping Matilda guarding the door. He reached down to tenderly brush a red lock from her sleeping face, looking up to find Tara.

"She's been here all night" Tara explained, taking a step towards Jax "The surgery went well, Jax, he's going to be ok". Jax pulled one of the only women he had ever loved into an embrace, engulfed by relief.

"You should clean yourself up" Tara stated, acknowledging his blood soaked clothes before turning away.

Matilda awoke to find a now clean and scrub clad Jax hesitantly gazing in through the door of his son's room.

"He's waiting for you" she spoke, causing him to spin around to face her, the fear on his face mingled with anticipation, his eyes bored into hers and she knew what he was silently asking of her.

She lifted herself from the chair, carefully taking his hand and leading him into the centre of the room where Abel lay in the confined incubator. Protected from the outside world he was yet to know. She fell in love with that tiny figure then and there, his little fingers appearing to reach out to Jax as he lifted his large palm against the glass screen, his other hand still tightly gripping Matilda's. An unbreakable grasp.


	3. Chapter 3

It was up on the roof that Matilda was at her most contemplative. She took things into consideration with the rising and setting of the sun, she thought so much and so deeply that she needed something as simple as that to rein her back in, to be her calm amongst the calamity.

"You're here more than I am these days". She didn't have to turn, didn't have to say anything as he sat down beside her, lighting up a smoke which he offered first to her. They sat like that for a while, soaking in each other's presence that had been absent in the bustle of the past couple of weeks.

She leant her head against his shoulder and he shifted to allow for her adjustment, wrapping his arm around her, both still entranced by the seduction of the distant horizon.

"Remember that fight we had, Jax" she spoke, her voice slotting easily into the space between the silence.

She felt the vibration of his chuckle against her, "How could I forget? The only fight we've ever had. Cut me up real bad, that did".

Matilda had been seventeen with a penchant for Bukoswki, it had been somewhat of a rebellious phase in which she was determined to ride life straight to perfect laughter. She wanted total desolation. Of course, she hadn't had many, if any, friends in high school. They were either afraid of her connection to SAMCRO or wanted to use her for it. She was sick of it. She had hidden from Jax who had come on his bike to pick her up from school, rolling her eyes at her classmates who giggled as they stalked deliberately past him. Matilda had slung her bag over her shoulder and headed straight to Lodi where she approached a group of girls smoking a joint. Soon, generously offering a stash from her own supply, the girls had invited her out to a bar they were headed, a dirty dive, and Matilda, all for desolation, had taken them up on it. A few hours later she was buzzed out of her mind and barely able to see. She collapsed into a seat, soon accosted by a group of older guys. One of them began to kiss her neck but she couldn't feel a thing. The guy fell to the ground. She definitely felt something now as she looked up into the face of a seething Jax Teller. Opie was behind him, taking a swing at one of the guys who refused to back down as easily as his friends who were already scrambling out to the street. He soon joined them.

Jax had pulled her up to him roughly "What the hell, Matilda. Mom was freaking out, thought someone had hurt you but you're voluntarily here with those shitheads."

Matilda stayed silent as they walked out to Opie's truck, a wise move she considered as she wouldn't have been able to hold up on the back of a bike. They drove home in silence, Opie dropping them off at the clubhouse. As soon as he left, Matilda bolted from Jax; to the only place she could get some peace. He found her eventually; he always did when she went up there. It was his place as much as it was hers. She had her face set in stubborn determination, trying not to cry but he had tenderly apologised to her for shouting and she had folded into him as he rubbed her back, placing a kiss atop her head. She had apologised too, for acting out. They had talked about it and that had been the end of it. Their longest fight, spanning a grand total of three hours, if that.

She smiled, looking back now to a much older and time weary Jax, "It was hardly a fight at all".

He leant in to kiss her forehead in the same way he had all those years ago. As he got up to leave, he pulled a paper document from beneath his jacket and handed it to her "Some more reading material for ya. Not that you're ever short."

She turned it over in her hands, it read: _The Life and Death of Sam Crow: How the Sons of Anarchy Lost Their Way by John Thomas Teller._

* * *

Matilda lost herself and time to the words of John Teller, long after the afternoon sun had set. One particular passage had ingrained itself in her mind: _"When we take action to avenge the ones we love, personal justice collides with social and divine justice. We become judge, jury and God. With that choice comes daunting responsibility. Some men cave under that weight. Others abuse the momentum. The true outlaw finds the balance between the passion in his heart and the reason in his mind. His solution is always an equal mix of might and right". _The balance between passion and reason, between might and right. Matilda had often attempted to stifle the questions that arose within her in regards to this life and the darkness that she knew lurked beneath its exterior. It seemed as though John had never intended for that darkness to be born from his vision. That much was clear. Growing up, Matilda had embraced the life. To her it was a fairytale of romance and freedom. Of following the unbeaten path, one that she believed let to some kind of greater good, a happy ending. Now she wasn't so sure where that path led but regardless, she allowed the immense love of her family to steer her down it anyway, towards whatever awaited.

* * *

She arrived at home later that night to one of Gemma's famous family Pot Roast dinners, an event evident due to the disappearance to the front yard, now cluttered with bikes.

"Hey Baby" Gemma called to her as she grabbed a plate, settling down in her usual place at the crowded table between Chibs and Jax.

It was a full house tonight, everyone except the Winston's she noted, wondering if Donna had taken her advice, even one handed Chucky and the new prospect Kip, nee Half-Sack, were settling right in.

She broke out of her reverie, just in time to hear Tig exclaim, way too proudly she thought, "...and then it bit my ass!"

Everyone guffawed and as she looked around at their smiling faces, she wondered how much they were each struggling with the balance between their hearts and their minds and how much they were being weighed down by the ghosts of the past that they carried atop their backs, because she knew they all had them. She just wondered how she could help to keep them all from going under.

* * *

Almost like an omen, a ghost from the past did present itself a few days later. A decidedly trashy ghost. Matilda had been sitting with Gemma on the office steps of TM when Juice had pulled into the lot in a tow truck, a girl Matilda hadn't seen before swinging herself out from the passenger side. Matilda turned to Gemma who had her eyes trained on the girl as Clay walked over to her, appearing the berate her. Gemma's eyes narrowed but she didn't say a word, just blew a puff of smoke and sat up a little straighter. The Sons had taken a trip up to Nevada earlier that week for a patch over. Obviously, Matilda noted, what happens in Nevada had decided not to stay in Nevada. Gemma's well-contained anger found its chance to be expressed that afternoon, as out on Charming's main street, Matilda had watched with mingled horror and admiration as Gemma had spotted the girl and swiftly grabbed a nearby teen's skateboard, connecting it with a hollow crack to the girl's face.

Of course, Deputy Hale had been privy to the pretty sight and had arrested Gemma on the spot, "I'll get Tig to come and get you" she told the woman currently being escorted into the back of the cruiser.

Matilda sat down on the curb next to the girl who had her head between her legs, her hands overflowing with blood as she clutched at her nose. She flinched as she noticed Matilda before relaxing as her eyes trained to the tissue Matilda held in her outstretched hand.

Once the blood had subsided, the girl turned her head "I'm Cherry and I swear to god I didn't know. I'm only here for Kip."

Matilda vaguely recalled sitting in the office a few days prior, hearing Half-Sack beguile anyone within earshot with tales of his lovesickness for Cherry, the sweet butt with a heart of gold from Nevada.

She had no time to reply before Cherry was talking again "Why'd I have to end up with the one with craziest old lady? You must be an old lady too, right? You're hanging around with her and you're way too pretty to be a sweet butt. Is it the blondie? He was the old guys son wasn't he?" she finished, looking at Matilda questioningly.

"I'm just family" Matilda replied, offering her a smoke. Just family. Not that there was anything _just _about being a part of this family.

* * *

A week later, Matilda was putting the final touches to Abel's nursery room at Jax's, a project for which she had happily volunteered. She had been at it all night and was pleased with the final product, exhausted she settled herself in the guest bedroom before drifting off. A crack reverberated around her drowsy head, she assumed belonging to Jax returning home but after another crash, as haze of sleep wore off completely, Matilda realised she was accompanied by someone who was not welcome within these four walls. She didn't have a gun, or a bat, or any object that could be properly applied with blunt force. She realised she didn't even have her cell in the room. Opening the door carefully, she peered into the hallway and saw nothing. The noise she realised was coming from Abel's room. She had to get past it to get to the front door so she figured she didn't have much to lose by confirming the identity of the intruder. She edged around the corner and spotted an extra steel rod that hadn't been needed in the construction of Abel's crib. As she lunged for it, the man she had never seen before turned around, grabbing it and hitting her hard on the side of the head.

She fell backwards as he stood over her, "Tell Tara" he said, kicking her in the stomach "That this is warning."

* * *

Matilda wasn't sure how long she had been passed out but as she pulled herself up, staggering to her feet, she surveyed the wreckage of the room. Everything she had done in the past day had been undone, as she walked over leant over to inspect Abel's crib, she could smell the evasive stench of urine. Within five minutes of getting to her cell, the rumble of engines could be heard as she sat at the kitchen table.

"Jesus Christ, Doll" Tig had exclaimed, bending down to examine her, pulling his hand away from the back of her head to reveal blood she hadn't realised was there. Jax stormed in looking ready to kill, followed closely by Gemma, Chibs, Bobby, Juice and Clay.

He strode over to her, pulling her too him, the pain in her ribs causing her to wince which produced a murderous look in Jax's eyes.

"The nursery" was all she could say.

Juice went to inspect it before poking his head out "Shit, the guy's really done a number in there".

"Doesn't matter" Jax told her, looking down at her intently "Just tell me what you remember about him."

Matilda relayed his warning to Tara, causing Gemma to hiss "This is that bitches fault?"

"Shit" said Jax standing up "Tara's ex, he's ATF, he's been stalking her. Must have followed her back here." He turned to Chibs, "Take a look at Matilda; we're gonna go sort this shithead out."

* * *

Matilda had ended up with two fractured ribs from that night. Luckily the head injury had been nothing more than superficial. Jax never did tell her what had happened to the guy, Kohn was his name, but whatever had happened had seemed to bring Jax and Tara closer than ever. Matilda was happy about that; she never again wanted to witness Jax as lost as he had been when Tara had left Charming. She was at the hospital now with Gemma and Jax, Tara had just told them that Abel could come out of the incubator for the first time. As Tara brought Abel over, passing him into the arms of his father, Matilda's heart clenched as she stood back, registering the pure joy that had overcome Jax's features. Jax looked up at her before directing his blinding smile to Tara, the three appearing as a proper family. Gemma stood next to Matilda, attempting to read the red head's face for any sign that she was sharing the displeasure Gemma felt over Jax and Tara's rekindled relationship. She found no evidence, only a genuine smile directed towards her son as he held her grandbaby in his arms. She sighed; slinging an arm around Matilda's shoulders, her prediction that one day, the little girl she had raised would truly become her daughter, seemingly increasingly detached from reality.


End file.
